F*ck Off Island & Other Indulgences

Allow me to indulge in my fantasies and be completely materialistic for a minute. What would be better in this life than to be the proud owner of your very own private tropical island? I know, I know- money does not buy happiness, and if a miserable person gets on a plane in New York, then a miserable person will get off that plane on said island. But this is fantasy, remember?

Since there are so many private islands in this world, let's just talk about a few of the more famous ones. Johnny Depp bought a Bahamian island which he affectionately calls "Fuck Off Island", also known as Little Hall's Pond Cay. He paid around $3.5 million for it and, admirably, plans on installing a green hydrogen-based power system in an effort to be environmentally conscious. Poking around the internet, the latest news is that he plans on moving his family (hottie wife Vanessa Paradis and their 2 kids) to the island while he takes a break from working and she focuses on her career. Whatever. All I know is I want a tropical island where I can decide to retire for a fews months or years or whatever the hell I feel like at the time. Maybe once in a blue I'll come back to civilization for things like cousin Ruthie's wedding in East Bumfuck, NJ, or Uncle Mickey's retirement party from the Knights of Columbus after 75 years of exemplary service. But know this: I'm headed back to F*ck Off Island first thing in the morning.

Another private island of interest is Norman's Cay, also in the Bahamas. This slice of paradise was made famous in the movie Blow, starring... that's right- Johnny Depp (ok this developing Johnny Depp theme is not intentional even though I am a fan of his). For those who don't know, Blow is a movie which is based on the true story of George Jung, one of the pioneers of drug smuggling in the 70's and 80's. Jung's partner, Carlos Lehder, acquired Norman's Cay by buying it piece by piece and then building an airstrip on it. Since we're talking about excess here, this is a quote I found online from one of the inside guys in the smuggling operation: "Norman's Cay was a playground. I have a vivid picture of being picked up in a Land Rover with the top down and naked women driving to come and welcome me from my airplane... and there we partied. And it was a Sodom and Gomorrah... parties, sex, no police... you made the rules". Well needless to say, all those involved in the island and it's smuggling operations are now dead or behind bars. But somehow the movie left you feeling like you missed out on the opportunity for easy money, luxury, and pleasure. Like George Jung said at the end the movie, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I had a good life. I lived more than most people ever dream of, and I did it while I was young enough to enjoy it". Well let's all keep in mind here that Jung has been in prison since 1994 and isn't due to get out until 2014. Ouch. I think I'll forego the smuggling and hope for a meager retirement without the incarceration.

The last private island that stood out to me is Necker Island, owned by Sir Richard Branson. You may know Branson as the owner if Virgin Atlantic Airways, Virgin Megastores, and Virgin Records, among many others. He's also the guy who almost died a bunch of times trying to break records like flying a hotair balloon around the world and crossing both the Atlantic and Pacific in a yacht at record speeds. Necker is located in the British Virgin Islands and was bought by Branson in the 1979 for 125,000 British pounds (please don't ask me to convert the dollar value in the late 1970's). Of course he spent $10 million over 3 years developing it into what it is today. Complete with 2 private whitesand beaches, 14 bedrooms, 60 staff members, jacuzzis, tennis courts, high-end dining, and any watersport you can think of, anything at all- if they don't have it today, they'll go get it for you tomorrow. Supposedly Branson stays there once in a while when it's not rented out. By the way, the cost is about $23,500 per couple for a weeks stay. If I had that kind of money to waste, I'd just buy my own island. But then there's the development, upkeep, maintenance, staff, payroll, etc.

While it's nice to dream, I doubt the day will come when I own my very own island. The best I can hope for is for my wife and I to retire to a mainland beach town in her native Thailand, which actually is not so far fetched. It happens to be our goal, so wish us luck. In the meantime, maybe Johnny Depp would put me up for a week on F*ck Off. We could even invite those girls in the Land Rover from Norman's Cay...